Why do some people fear abandonment?
We’ve all been rejected at some point in our lives before. It’s a human experience. Of course it’s devastating to put yourself out there and end up rejected, but why does this possibility cause some people to become reclusive, purposely sabotage their relationships first, or stop trying?
Acceptance and belonging are human needs
Research has shown that as humans, we need to feel like we belong. We need people in our lives who accept us for ourselves. Belonging and acceptance in family, friend, and romantic relationships are often tied closely to our sense of self-esteem, or how worthy and valuable we think we are as people.
Fear of abandonment leads to suspicion, mistrust, and assumptions
For some people, fulfilling that need can become an overwhelming focus, so much so that they develop a deep fear of losing the relationships they have in their lives. They become suspicious, hypervigilant, and convinced that they’re about to be left behind. Ironically, this fear makes it harder to build meaningful, authentic relationships, so fear of abandonment can make it more likely they’ll face the rejection they fear.
Fear of abandonment is more common when life gets harder
When you’re stressed or grieving, you’ve got preexisting trauma, or you’re dealing with something like anxiety, borderline personality disorder (BPD), or emotional sensitivity, you can become vulnerable to a deep fear that you’re about to be rejected, at any moment, by the people in your life.
This fear of abandonment can be distressing and disruptive, but it’s not something you’re stuck dealing with. At Suffolk DBT, we’ve helped people with an overwhelming fear of abandonment to build satisfying, authentic relationships using dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).
How can you overcome a fear of abandonment? The first step is to recognize how your fear of abandonment impacts your life.
Fear of abandonment can lead you to chase, test, or withdraw
Chasing connection stresses both the relationship and you
When some people’s fear of abandonment is triggered, they’ll chase connection. They’ll become hypervigilant, looking for signs they’re being rejected in every interaction.
Giving your partner tests breaks down trust
When some people fear their partner, friend, or family member is about to abandon them, they’ll create tests to find out how “loyal” or “committed” the other person is. These tests are damaging for a few reasons:
- Creating inauthentic, dishonest situations in your relationship makes it harder for either person to trust the other.
- Even if your partner passes the “test”, the result won’t provide meaningful comfort or trust long-term because it’s not a real experience.
Withdrawal offers the illusion of control through avoidance
For some, fear of abandonment can lead to shutting down, withdrawing, and ending a relationship. The fear becomes so overwhelming that avoiding, ignoring, or entirely eliminating the relationship feels safer, like a form of control in a situation that feels too vulnerable and out of control to be tolerated.
How can emotional regulation skills make perceived or real abandonment less frightening?
Fear of abandonment, where you are unreasonably worried about being rejected, dumped, or pushed away by friends, family, or a partner, can be highly emotionally dysregulating. The fear you feel can push you into behaviors that both feed that fear and erode your relationships.
Instead of letting fear dictate your decisions, using DBT emotional regulation skills can help you reduce the influence of fear and choose what to do based on what you really want.
STOP helps you pause and defuse your fear
When that text is late, or their tone has changed, or your mind has just brought you a thought about something that COULD happen, and intense fear is overwhelming you, the STOP DBT skill can help you cut a spiral short, reducing the influence fear has over your actions.
To STOP, try:
- Stop: Don’t move, don’t speak, don’t engage with your thoughts. Breathe, but otherwise be still.
- Take a step back: Give yourself more time to process the situation. Take a step back from the moment, ask for some time to think.
- Observe: Notice what’s going on in your body and mind. Observe what’s happening around you. If you start judging yourself or others, or coming to conclusions without all the facts, notice, and try to let those thoughts go without reacting to them.
- Proceed mindfully: Hold in your mind how you want to show up in the situation: calm, curious, open-minded. Proceed with your values and goals in mind.
Opposite Action hands you back control from fear
Fear of abandonment often leads to assumptions, and those assumptions can feel very compelling. When fear is pushing you to start accusing your friends of going behind your back, or you’re feeling compelled to block your partner’s number and never speak to them again, Opposite Action can help you cut destructive behaviors short.
Instead of tossing out accusations, do the opposite; say something you appreciate or enjoy about your friend. Instead of blocking your partner’s number, put down your phone and write your partner a kind note.
Opposite Action cuts troubling behaviors short, giving you time to gather more information and decide what you want to do next, rather than giving in to impulsive behaviors based on assumptions.
How can DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills maintain your self-respect?
It’s hard to have effective interactions when you’re deeply frightened, especially when that fear is rooted in assumptions, exaggerations, and future possibilities.
When you’re feeling like you’re about to be abandoned, DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills can help you approach interactions in a more balanced way that doesn’t let fear dictate what you say or how you say it.
GIVE helps you communicate with respect
Fear of abandonment can make it hard to communicate respectfully. The GIVE DBT relationship skill provides you with a clear guide on how to communicate with respect. Even if you disagree, even if you have difficult things to communicate, you can do it in a way that isn’t impulsive, explosive, or avoidant.
When you’re talking to someone and fear of abandonment tries to take over, use GIVE:
- Gentle communication: no accusations, no threats, no raised voices, no eye-rolling. Stick to facts, and communicate them directly.
- Interested: take a real interest in what the other person is saying, instead of focusing on your fear.
- Validate: The other person has a point of view that makes sense to them. Acknowledge that.
- Easy manner: relax your posture, speak calmly, try to be good-humored.
FAST helps you assert yourself
Fear of abandonment can push you to give in, accept mistreatment, or ignore your needs to stay “acceptable”, even when the other person doesn’t even want you to do these things.
The FAST DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill helps you preserve your self-respect in interactions, even when fear of abandonment is pushing you to abandon yourself. To use the FAST skill, make sure to focus on:
- Fairness: Take a fair approach. Don’t pretend your needs don’t exist, and recognize that the other person matters too.
- Don’t over-apologize: Only apologize when it makes sense. Don’t apologize for having needs, opinions, or for being yourself.
- Stick to your values: State what matters to you, and use those values to guide your behavior and speech. Don’t back down from them.
- Truthful: Don’t exaggerate, downplay, or state assumptions as facts. Stick to what is demonstrably true.
Feel Secure in Your Relationships After DBT Treatment on Long Island
No matter the reason, fear of abandonment can be incredibly disruptive. It’s also not something you have to continue to suffer through alone. Even if you’re stressed, depressed, or dealing with BPD, an experienced therapist can guide you through dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to support you in navigating your abandonment fears. Contact our intake team at Suffolk DBT to get started today.
Suffolk DBT’s FAQs about fear of abandonment
I’m clearly not lovable. Why wouldn’t people abandon me?
Unfortunately, many of us have been taught that we aren’t worthy or lovable as we are. For those who have been taught it’s wrong to accept and love themselves, looking for external acceptance can become frighteningly important.
Without an inner sense of worth, belonging in external relationships becomes all you have. Your default mode is a performance, trying to be the person other people might want you to be. This can make relationships feel both unfulfilling and unstable, leading to a strong fear of abandonment.
Authentic relationships have to include self-acceptance, based on both trying to get along with someone, and being yourself. DBT can help you find this middle path, so you can take a balanced approach that acknowledges your worth while making sure to make room for the other person, too.
I have BPD, so I’m stuck fearing abandonment forever, right?
Some people are more vulnerable to fear of abandonment. Those who have anxiety, depression, OCD, or emotional sensitivity can also be more vulnerable to developing a fear of abandonment. It’s also a hallmark symptom of borderline personality disorder (BPD).
That said, it is not something you need to carry with you into every relationship, and a fear you can practice overcoming through the support of a DBT therapist at Suffolk DBT.