BPD-related sensitivity can lead to relationship instability
When you have borderline personality disorder (BPD) or are close to someone with BPD, you’ve probably experienced firsthand the relationship instability that is a hallmark of this disorder. The fights, running hot and cold, the abrupt changes that seem to come out of nowhere, the deep fear and anger, attempts to control behavior, and accusations can strain friendships, family relationships, and romantic relationships alike. It can be difficult to understand where these sudden shifts are coming from, and it can feel like relationship instability is an inevitability, a permanent part of your life, even a part of your personality.
People with BPD are not their symptoms. BPD symptoms can cause relationship instability, but when people with BPD work on managing their symptoms through DBT for adults with BPD, long-lasting, rewarding, and stable relationships are possible!
Perceived abandonment and rejection make romantic and platonic relationships feel unsafe
Because of a deep fear of abandonment and an acute sensitivity to the thoughts and feelings that rejection (real or perceived) can bring up, people with BPD often struggle in interpersonal relationships. Intrusive thoughts of future abandonment and rejection can arise, even when things are going fine, and can lead to intense, difficult emotions. Normal differences of opinion, gaps in communication while a friend or partner is busy, or needing to change plans can feel like incredibly hurtful rejection, and actual rejection, like ending a relationship, can feel catastrophic.
Emotional reactions can destabilize relationships for people with BPD
Reactions to these thoughts and the emotional dysregulation they cause often include lashing out at the person who is perceived as causing the rejection or abandonment, even if the situation is explainable, normal, neutral, or entirely misperceived by the person with BPD. Accusations, screaming, threatening, breaking up, and even breaking things are all reactions people with BPD might resort to as an attempt to cope with these emotions. The intensity of these reactions can damage even the strongest relationships, eroding trust and causing fear, uncertainty, anger, and unhappiness for friends, family, or a partner.
DBT was designed to support adults with BPD
Without self-understanding and the capacity to emotionally regulate, abrupt emotional shifts and long-lasting emotional reactions can make it difficult for people with BPD to see kindness and consideration in relationships. People with BPD often later recognize that what they said or did wasn’t proportionate to the situation, and this can lead to deep shame and trigger another cycle of intense feelings, perpetuating BPD emotional cycles.
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was initially created to help adults with borderline personality disorder (BPD), and is uniquely supportive for those who struggle with relationship instability from BPD. It helps you cope with intense emotions so you can better manage your responses. Instead of strong, relationship-eroding reactions, DBT empowers you to choose your responses by incorporating behavioral management skills into your daily life.
DBT for BPD adults supports relationship stability
Emotional regulation makes intense feelings easier to notice and navigate
Those intense, overwhelming emotional reactions that are a hallmark of BPD are a core cause of relationship instability. They can also be hard to recognize before they push you into a reaction through their intensity.
Emotional regulation DBT skills like STOP help you slow down, take a step back, notice what you’re feeling and how it relates to what’s happening around and within you, and let you choose what you do next. This can make it easier to get a full understanding of what’s happening in your relationship. Instead of missing out on the kindness because of emotions escalated by BPD, you can recognize when your thoughts and feelings match what’s going on, and when they’re more likely to be reactions.
Opposite Action can also be helpful for people with BPD. People with BPD are often very enthusiastic about people when they first meet or connect with them. When a person inevitably shows that they’re human and will make mistakes, or have needs or wants that might not fit idealized expectations, feelings toward that same person can abruptly shift to a very negative perception.This sudden emotional shift can be confusing and painful for everyone involved. Someone who has been steadily participating in a friendship or relationship may feel blindsided, because from their perspective nothing major has changed, yet they suddenly feel blamed or pushed away.
Instead of reacting to emotions that have abruptly changed, try using Opposite Action to handle the initial strong feelings BPD brings up. If you’re ready to yell and lash out, try the opposite. Speak quietly, walk softly, and excuse yourself from the conversation so you won’t vent your feelings in a way that damages your relationship. If you want to accuse your friend of abandoning you, stop yourself and compliment them in the moment, while you’re in the grips of strong emotions.
Once you’re no longer in the middle of a reaction, you can reassess and see if you want to have a calm, respectful discussion to hash out any issues. The goal of DBT isn’t to ignore your feelings; you may have a reason to disagree with your friend. But emotional regulation skills like Opposite Action or STOP can help you experience your feelings and then use both your emotional mind and your logical mind to approach your relationship challenges.
Interpersonal effectiveness therapy empowers you to choose respect first
Interpersonal effectiveness DBT skills make respectful, assertive, and effectiveness-oriented communication possible for people with BPD. Your tone, body language, and how you speak to people around you can end up communicating your emotions in ways you might not realize.
To try to manage your conversations so you don’t let your emotional overwhelm take over, the GIVE skill teaches you to speak gently, take an interest in what the other person is saying, validate the other person’s point of view (even if it’s different from yours), and using easy, relaxed body language, can help you remain respectful in your communications. You don’t have to pretend your emotions don’t exist, but you can adjust your communication approach so your emotions aren’t running the conversation.
Self-respect is another major goal of DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills. Fear of abandonment can also lead to self-invalidation for people with BPD, pushing them to hide their needs and wants and to ignore their own boundaries to try to maintain the connection. Resentment, loss of self-respect, and reinforcement of negative self-beliefs can all become integral parts of these toxic relationships.
Instead of fawning and abandoning your boundaries when talking to a parent or a partner, the FAST skill can help you maintain your self-respect. By being fair to yourself and the other person, not over-apologizing, prioritizing your values in what you communicate, and sticking to the facts, you stop yourself from erasing your needs and wants, while also making sure you remain truthful and fair.
Distress tolerance makes relationship instability and emotional instability easier to bear for people with BPD
BPD is known to produce strong emotional reactions that last a long time, and those reactions may show up abruptly as mood swings. You might be happy one moment, then a distressing thought or a perceived rejection sends you into an emotional tailspin of anger or fear.
DBT distress tolerance skills for adults with BPD can help you make it through an intense emotional reaction without resorting to explosive reactions that strain your relationships.
You can try the TIPP skill to use temperature, intense exercise, breathing, and paired muscle relaxation to de-escalate your emotional reactions through body chemistry, or use your five senses through the Self-Soothe skill to connect yourself to both the moment with enjoyable sensations for your body.
You can also redirect your mind to more enjoyable experiences or thoughts using the IMPROVE skill, or engage fully in activities with the ACCEPTS skill to give your mind and body something else to do while you’re riding out a wave of emotional distress.
Even if using these DBT skills interrupts a conversation or interaction, it does so in a constructive, calming way that does far less damage than an uncontrolled BPD-based reaction, and will likely go far to improve your relationships through healthier, supportive coping behaviors.
Strong, stable relationships are possible for people with BPD, especially with the support of Suffolk DBT
When borderline personality disorder (BPD) causes strong emotions and stronger reactions, it can destabilize even the strongest relationships. It’s not uncommon for adults with BPD to experience chronic relationship instability, but it’s crucial to remember that you aren’t stuck in these cycles of emotional upheaval. BPD is treatable, and a more stable life with strong and enduring friendships and romantic relationships is a possibility, especially when you seek compassionate support from therapists who use DBT.
DBT provides you with the skills and the self-confidence to use them, which can lead to healthier, more respectful communication, sturdy boundaries that protect you emotionally, and the ability to find stability again, even when dealing with intense and distressing emotions.
If you are interested in support from Suffolk DBT and want to schedule a free 15-minute consultation to get started on creating a life worth living, reach out today.