Your teen was silent on the ride home from school, offering one-word answers to your questions. They went through the motions of their afternoon routine, almost forgetting to feed the cat and clear out their backpack, even though they usually do it every day. They didn’t ask about spending time with friends, or borrowing the car, and they’ve stopped talking about the plans they’re making for summer.
As a parent, you know something isn’t right. Your teen doesn’t seem upset, but they also don’t seem happy, or like they’re feeling anything at all. What’s going on?
Emotional numbness is an attempt to cope with overwhelm
You may have been expecting slammed doors, shouting matches, and sarcastic quips from your teen as they grow through the rollercoaster that is adolescence, and that is one way teens might try to cope with emotions that feel too big to manage. This quiet, blank, uninterested teen can’t be dealing with strong feelings, can they?
Your teen isn’t just distracted or unfeeling. They’re dealing with emotional numbness, a not uncommon response to being emotionally overwhelmed.
What does emotional numbness look like in teens?
When feelings become too much for your teen, and they don’t have the tools to cope, shutting off all emotion is another way to try to handle the overwhelm. This often isn’t a deliberate choice, and they may not even realize it’s happening. Much like emotional explosions, numbness is an attempt by the mind to keep your teen safe from emotional pain. Not feeling at all seems safer than feeling it all.
Is your teen dealing with emotional numbness? It can look like:
- Feeling hopeless, empty, or worthless
- Not responding to happy or upsetting experiences
- Not talking much, being unwilling to share what they’re feeling or thinking
- Going through the motions without paying attention to what’s going on
- Distracted, unable to make choices
- Avoiding things, people, or places they used to enjoy
- Not remembering things that happened to them, even recent ones
Does DBT help teens with intense emotions?
When your teen seems “numb”, you may not know what to do to help them. How do you support a child who is clearly calm, but also clearly needs help?
What is mindfulness, and why does it help with emotional numbness in teens?
When your teen is emotionally numb, they need to reconnect to how they’re feeling in the moment. Mindfulness, where your teen focuses their attention on what they’re doing, feeling, and thinking in the moment, can help them turn away from numbness and back toward experiencing their feelings. They can build emotional awareness and become more comfortable with being emotionally present.
Numb teens need the support of mindfulness to:
- Develop their ability to sense feelings in their body
- Notice and name emotions and thoughts as they experience them.
- Stop themselves from arguing with, reacting to, trying to think through, or trying to “fix” difficult emotions like anger, grief, or fear.
- Experience the discomfort of difficult emotions and thoughts without judging these thoughts or feelings as “good” or “bad”. They simply are.
Mindfulness is a key pillar of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). This therapy approach was designed to help people who struggle with intense, difficult emotions and behaviors. It incorporates many skills to help teens (and adults!) cope with intense emotions.
Your teen can use the What and How DBT mindfulness skills as a guide for reconnecting to the moment and to their emotions, to help them cope without numbness.
DBT offers a path through intense experiences for teens
Observe, describe, participate: The What DBT mindfulness skill
The What skill gives your teen a structured way to participate more in the here-and-now. It helps them notice what’s going on for them emotionally, while also using grounding in the present moment to make those emotions less overwhelming.
- Observe: Notice what’s happening around you, and within you. You don’t have to put this experience into words yet. Just sit, sense, notice, be. Don’t try to change anything, even if you’re uncomfortable.
- Describe: In detail, describe what’s happening. What are you thinking, feeling? What do you see, hear, and what can you touch or smell? What are you doing? What are the people around you doing?
- Participate: What’s one thing you can actively, attentively participate in, in this moment? Focus all your attention on what you’re doing right now. When your mind wanders to worry or fear, observe, describe, and then resume participating.
Non-judgmentally, one-mindfully, effectively: The How DBT mindfulness skill
When your teen is starting to be more present, they may end up feeling overwhelmed by self-judgment and judgment of their feelings and thoughts as “good” or “bad”. Judgment, shame, and blame keep your teen attached to their emotions, making them more overwhelming.
The How DBT mindfulness skill helps your teen remember how to engage with the present moment, even when the present moment is emotionally difficult.
- One-mindfully: Focus as much of your attention as you can on what you’re doing right now. Do one thing at a time and put all your attention to what you’re doing. The What skill can help you with this, as it’s not easy, especially when upset.
- Non-judgmentally: Don’t judge yourself, or others. When you notice yourself passing judgment, e.g., “I can’t believe how awful she is,” or “Why am I having such a hard time? I’m so weak,” observe the thoughts, notice that you’re passing judgment, and let them go.
- Effectively: Instead of trying to get things “right”, consider what will work. If your goal is to be present, letting go of trying to get “justice” and participating in what’s going on is the most effective choice.
Suffolk DBT can help your teen use mindfulness to reconnect to their emotions
Suffolk DBT proudly provides quality dialectical behavior therapy, a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, at their offices in Manhattan and Long Island, New York, and online. Their experienced therapists specialize in serving teens and adults struggling with numbness or other disruptive reactions to emotional overwhelm. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills and treatment can help you or your kids manage emotions and work through life’s challenges in constructive, effective ways.
Suffolk DBT offers a free screening call, and we encourage you to contact us so you, and your teen, can get started right away on building a life that feels like it’s worth living!
Frequently Asked Questions about Mindfulness for Teens
Are teens willing to try mindfulness?
Teens often seem “too cool” to try, but you might be surprised how willing they are to learn new skills, especially skills that support their independence. Teens are eager to grow, and with some thoughtful guidance from experienced therapists, they will try mindfulness.
In a structured DBT program for teens, like the DBT-A program at Suffolk DBT, we’ve seen many teens make tremendous strides in learning new skills, even those who seem totally detached.
Why would mindfulness help in an upsetting situation, wouldn’t it just cause my teen to focus on what’s upsetting them?
In a difficult situation, a lot of the upset comes from fear about the future or reminders of past difficulties. That’s not to say that being upset by difficult experiences doesn’t make sense! But mindfulness takes some of the sting out of life’s challenges.
By being present in the moment, focusing on what your body is still doing (breathing, digesting, moving, feeling), what your mind is trying to do (think thoughts, name emotions), as well as what’s happening around you (the sun is shining, your house is still standing, you can feel the carpet under your feet), the overwhelming or upsetting parts of the moment become smaller and feel more manageable.
Is mindfulness going to cause my teen to start acting out because of their emotions?
Mindfulness helps teens to experience and even express their emotions. It doesn’t lead to them replacing numbness with emotional explosions.
That said, when your teen reconnects to their emotions, they may start expressing them more, and even if it’s done in a constructive manner, you may struggle with how you feel about how your teen feels.
Your teen needs space to experience and express their emotions, and as a parent, you may also need support in handling your responses to parenting teens. Suffolk DBT can help both parents and teens to use mindfulness, alongside emotional regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and distress tolerance, to both experience and express how they’re feeling with mutual respect. DBT can help you create closeness with your teen, even when one or both of you are struggling.
