Applying Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills in Real Life
We often hear from our program graduates that “these DBT tools have changed my life!” This blog was written by a person who has gone through the our Long Island DBT Program and describes in detail the application of some of the Interpersonal Skills learned in the program.
“Is This Effective?” and Negotiating Interpersonal Relationships
Written by J.H.
One of the most helpful things I’ve learned in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is to ask myself “is this effective?” when trying to figure out how to react to a situation, or how to behave in specific circumstances. We all have goals – both short-term and long-term – and everything we do affects those goals. When deciding what to do, we need to weigh the effectiveness of our actions against our short-term and long-term goals.
For example, shopping soothes my anxiety. My long-term goal is to save money. Now, say I find myself in a distressing situation where my short-term goal is to feel less anxiety. Before I start shopping, I’m able to ask myself “is this effective toward my short-term goal? Toward my long-term goal?” While engaging in the behavior may support my short term goal of lowering my anxiety, shopping does not support my long-term goal of saving money. That might help me decide not to engage in the shopping behavior and to find a different, healthy behavior that will both lower my anxiety and support my long-term goal, such as going for a walk or reading a book, which will be both soothing and monetarily cost less.
Interpersonal Effectiveness Balances Maintaining Relationships and Prioritizing Your Goals
This skill of asking yourself “is this effective?” also comes into play with interpersonal relationships. Many times, we’ll have three different focuses in any interpersonal situation: maintaining the relationship, getting what you want, and self-respect. By prioritizing those goals, I’ve been better able to act effectively in interpersonal situations toward both my short-term and long-term goals.
For example, if I need to address a bill that was overcharged, I first need to consider “how important is it that I maintain a good relationship with this person/company? How important is it that I get the bill corrected? How important is it that I abide by my personal values?” Especially if it’s a one-time bill, it may not be very important to maintain a good relationship with the person/company I’m negotiating with. It is probably very important that I get the bill corrected. However, it’s also very important that I act within my personal values while trying to get the bill corrected. Therefore, I might be persistent and confident in my request, but I will also be polite and respectful to the person I’m negotiating with.
DBT Can Help You Choose Effectiveness Even When You’re Emotionally Distressed
Of course, this is much easier to put on paper than it is to enact in daily life. For one, not every situation I find myself in is as black and white as the examples above, and sometimes when you’re in a lot of emotional distress, it can be very difficult to step back, weigh both sides, and be skillful in choosing what to do next. A lot of it comes down to practice, and even more of it comes down to the willingness to act in my own best interests while respecting others at the same time. DBT has given me the skills and the confidence to pause and ask myself “Is this effective?” and it has been tremendously helpful in both curbing problem behaviors and improving the success of my interpersonal interactions.
If you could use some support in learning DBT skills like asking “Is this effective?” and applying them to your life and your relationships, contact us at Suffolk DBT to get matched with a therapist.
Looking for more Interpersonal Effectiveness tools?
Check out this blog: Loving Again After Invalidation: Interpersonal Effectiveness DBT Skills in Action
DBT Tools Can Change Your Life, Too
Suffolk DBT proudly provides quality dialectical behavior therapy, a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, at their offices in Manhattan and Long Island, New York and online. Their experienced therapists specialize in serving teens, children, adults, and college students struggling with depression, borderline personality disorder, eating disorders, and self-harm. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills and treatment can help you or your kids to manage emotions and work through life’s challenges. Suffolk DBT Manhattan and Long Island offer a free screening call so you can get started right away.