You hear that familiar chime of your workplace’s messenger app, and you roll your eyes as the message pops up. It’s that same terse, unfriendly message your coworker always sends you when they have an issue with your work.
You sigh and open your email, bracing yourself for whatever nitpicky thing your coworker is insisting you change this time. It’s never a big change, and you know it shouldn’t get to you, but every time their message pops up, you can feel the anger and annoyance well up. You know you’ll be angry about this all day, even on your commute, you’ll replay the correction in your head. You know the moment you hit “send” on the fix, the shame spiral will start.
Why can workplace stress regulation be so difficult?
Last time you spoke up about this kind of exchange, you got into a loud argument with your coworker, and you’re worried that if that happens again, you’ll have bigger consequences than just feeling emotionally awful.
But you know you can’t keep going this way; you need something to change. The first step in changing? Understanding why it can be so hard to cope with emotional dysregulation at work.
Perfectionism can make even small work tasks feel overwhelming
When you (like many people these days) have had it reinforced to you over and over that your value as a person is directly tied to your success, work then becomes directly tied to feeling like you matter. Unsurprisingly, this can make small setbacks, learning moments, and uncertainty have much higher stakes than just workplace performance. Failure can feel emotionally devastating.
Corrections at work can feel particularly difficult when you’re sensitive to criticism
For people who are sensitive to criticism and for those dealing with rejection sensitivity, a mix of brain structure and internalized beliefs can make corrections at work feel emotionally difficult to the point of being deeply painful. When you don’t have a solid understanding of why perceived rejection hits you so hard, and you don’t have strong coping skills, work corrections can lead to long-lasting, difficult emotional upset.
Interpersonal conflict at work can make workplace stress regulation feel impossible
Work is a space where you don’t always get to pick your colleagues, and you may have to spend a lot of time with:
- Someone you don’t like
- Someone who doesn’t like you
- Ineffective leadership
- Coworkers who don’t work well together
- Clients who are stressful
It may feel like the stress of interpersonal interactions is never-ending, and when you already struggle with emotional regulation, a tense conversation, the silent treatment, or someone being disrespectful can lead to full emotional dysregulation at work.
It’s important to recognize that while you may feel isolated right now, you’re definitely not the only person who faces emotional dysregulation at work, and you’re also not stuck trying to white-knuckle your way through emotional overwhelm for the rest of your career.
How can DBT skills help you navigate workplace dysregulation?
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) was designed specifically to help people cope with overwhelming emotions and the behavior challenges that often come from that flood of emotion. DBT offers people many different skills to help in stressful situations, including all kinds of work challenges.
STOP gives you breathing room when emotional dysregulation disrupts your stability at work
Your boss has scheduled a surprise one-on-one meeting with you. Fear starts building up in the pit of your stomach, your mind is racing, and you’re considering all kinds of horrible possibilities (you’re going to be reprimanded, you’re being demoted, you’re being fired).
In moments like this, try STOP:
- Stop: Freeze (but keep breathing!). Stop moving, stop reacting.
- Take a step back: Give yourself a moment to think things over on your own. Ask for time if you need to.
- Observe: Notice what you’re thinking and feeling. Consider what triggered the overwhelm, notice where you are, and what you can do in the moment.
- Proceed mindfully: Focus on what you’re doing in the moment, literally taking one step at a time. Notice the room, pay attention to the words you and your boss are saying. Redirect your attention toward now, instead of paying attention to fear and assumptions.
Check the Facts helps you recognize and address what’s really bothering you
When that snippy message from your coworker comes through, and that obnoxious email with little changes hits your inbox, instead of sinking into a rage and then an eventual shame spiral, pause. Take a moment to Check the Facts.
- What is the emotion I want to change?
Anger? Shame? Guilt? Disgust? What’s going on? Naming your emotion can help you manage it. - What is the event prompting my emotion?
Take a look at the facts of what’s happened in this moment. - What are my interpretations, thoughts, and assumptions about the event?
Are you feeling criticized or worthless? Do you feel disrespected? Do you feel your coworker assumes you’re stupid, even if they’ve never actually said they do? What are you adding as an interpretation, assumption, or thought in this moment, aside from the facts? - Am I assuming a threat?
Is this interaction threatening you in any way? Does it simply feel very uncomfortable? What could be going on here, aside from your interpretation? (Your coworker is a bad communicator, your coworker is in a hurry, your coworker uses different copy editing guidelines). - What’s the catastrophe?
What’s the worst outcome of this situation, and how would you cope if it did happen? - Does my emotion and/or its intensity fit the actual facts?
Is it annoying to be corrected without any warmth or politeness? Definitely, is it a sign you’re incompetent, or about to be fired? No. Validate your feelings while recognizing where they’re out of proportion.
GIVE and FAST keep workplace conflict respectful
GIVE and FAST are DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills that help you choose how you behave, and what you do, when you’re in conflict with a coworker or client. They help you maintain your self-respect by not giving in, while also maintaining your respect for others.
- Gentle: Use a gentle tone of voice with neutral or kind body language.
- Interested: Focus, show you are really interested in what they have to say (even if you don’t agree).
- Validate: Acknowledge the other person’s thoughts and feelings (again, even if you don’t agree, they have their reasons for how they feel!).
- Easy manner: Relax. Try to keep the conversation light. Use a little humor if it makes sense.
FAST makes sure you:
- Fair: Be fair to yourself and to your coworker or client.
- (No) Apologies: Don’t over-apologize, especially for sticking to your values or for asserting yourself.
- Stick to your values: Focus on what’s important to you.
- Truthful: Be honest. Don’t exaggerate or minimize. Take accountability and hold your coworkers or clients accountable.
When a coworker or client is being unreasonable, unpleasant, or combative, it can be hard to manage how you feel without support. GIVE and FAST can save you from embarrassing or career-damaging outbursts, while making sure you don’t over-agree or over-apologize, making it easier to assert yourself.
When all else fails, Opposite Action can help you maintain professionalism
Opposite Action is a simple, powerful concept. When emotional dysregulation is pushing you into overreaction, do the opposite of what your emotions are urging you to do.
- When you’re ready to scream insults at a coworker, speak softly and only talk about work details; avoid anything personal.
- When you want to quit with no plan, return to your desk and take care of a small administrative task.
- When you are mentally beating yourself up for a mistake, list 3 kind, true things about yourself.
Suffolk DBT can help you use DBT for workplace coping in NY
Work is going to be stressful no matter what, and for people who struggle with emotional regulation, that stress can be hard to manage, stalling your career and even impacting life outside of work. The four skills above are just a few of the many DBT skills in mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal regulation that can help you navigate workplace stress without letting emotional dysregulation dictate the course of your work day, and even your career.
Suffolk DBT provides comprehensive dialectical behavior therapy in Manhattan, Long Island, New York, and online. Their expert therapists can help you see that managing your responses to work stress is within reach, especially when you use DBT skills to cope, not just at work, but everywhere in your life. If you’re ready to take a brave step and choose professionalism and stability over emotional overwhelm, contact us for a complimentary screening call so you can get started right away on a life worth living!
Frequently Asked Questions About Emotional Dysregulation in the Workplace
What does emotional dysregulation at work look like?
We all deal with work stress, but for some, the stress of the work environment can lead to full-on emotional dysregulation. You feel overwhelmed, swamped by emotion. This emotional flooding can last hours or even days for some people.
Here are some clear signs of emotional dysregulation at work:
- Screaming at a colleague or client
- Insulting or belittling others at work
- Getting fired or written up for workplace behavior
- Impulsively quitting jobs without any backup plan
- Regularly arguing at work
- Going silent, unable to respond
- Avoiding a coworker entirely
- Losing sleep over work
- Being unwilling to put yourself forward for projects or promotions
- Bringing home your mood from work, impacting your home life
How can work stress trigger emotional dysregulation?
Work environments can be a perfect storm for emotional dysregulation for adults. Work is an ever-changing environment where you and your coworkers face regular challenges, like:
- Project setbacks
- Changes in direction
- Economic instability
- Leadership failures
- Personality mismatches
- Work dissatisfaction
- Life challenges
When you add in emotional regulation challenges like emotional sensitivity, neurodivergence, or anxiety, depression, or BPD, the workplace can become a difficult environment to maintain stability and professionalism.