Dating can be a struggle for young adults
Dating anxiety for young adults is a very real challenge, especially when you’re emotionally sensitive. While your sensitivity can bring a special meaning and joy to even small moments of tenderness or connection, that sensitivity can also magnify the impact of normal dating challenges like rejection, emotional overwhelm, and boundaries (or lack thereof).
It might feel like this is just how you are, but you don’t have to just accept the impacts of your sensitivity. By adjusting how you approach dating, using dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) interpersonal skills, you can better manage your emotional responses to dating. You can embrace the sensitivity that brings you happiness in dating, while also effectively managing the challenges sensitivity brings your way as you explore dating as a young adult.
Why is dating so difficult for emotionally sensitive young adults?
Rejection can feel devastating when you’re emotionally sensitive
Dating is full of potential moments of rejection, and for emotionally sensitive people, that rejection can cause dating anxiety that feels overwhelming.
Perhaps you see someone at work or in class each week, and you’re interested in asking them out, but you feel totally frozen at the thought. Or maybe opening the apps every day and seeing all the people who haven’t matched with you floods you with tough feelings. Moments of cancelled plans, rescheduling, delayed responses, and everyday life interruptions can feel like personal, pointed rejection and hurt more than you want them to.
Unclear boundaries can lead to stress and heartbreak
If you’re pursuing acceptance and love through dating, you may try to hide who you really are to be more “dateable”, and then you find you resent having to keep up the facade. You may also chase feeling loved so hard you find you’re scared to voice boundaries, and even more scared to act on them if they’re disregarded.
Ignoring your needs, hiding your true self, and not voicing your boundaries can be incredibly stressful. Your relationships become dissatisfying quickly, and you may struggle to assert yourself even when deeply unhappy, for fear of causing problems or being abandoned.
Overwhelming emotions can get in the way of solid communication
Dating anxiety for young adults doesn’t always stop after you’re in a relationship. Maybe you’re dating someone new, and you find yourself feeling terrified every time they don’t text back immediately, and you are ready to accuse them of cheating. Or perhaps you’re in a relationship where your feelings become totally overwhelming, and you lash out at your partner, then sink into a shame spiral afterward and become unable to engage with anyone.
Emotional overwhelm can disrupt relationships, erode trust for both people, and make dating feel awful instead of like a chance to create a connection. But it doesn’t have to stay this way; you can learn how to manage your actions, even in tense moments where you need to have uncomfortable conversations.
DBT interpersonal skills can help take some of the stress out of dating
When you’re struggling with dating anxiety, you need strong interpersonal skills that can help you navigate interactions that are uncertain or stressful, that support your ability to date in a way that maintains your self-respect and allows you to develop strong, rewarding relationships.
The GIVE DBT skill helps you remain approachable
Whether you’re frozen in fear from the idea of potential rejection or you’re in an emotional spiral and ready to lash out at the person you’re dating, the GIVE skill can help you approach an interaction with confidence and self-respect.
When you ask someone for a date or speak to an existing partner, try the GIVE skill:
- Be gentle in what and how you communicate. No attacks or threats, no mockery, no interruptions, no rude gestures or judgment.
- Stay interested in what the other person is saying. Listen carefully, give them your full attention, and respond to what they say, not what you feel.
- Validate what the other person is saying and thinking. Recognize that their point of view has some truth in it, even if it contradicts yours.
- Use an easy manner. Try a half-smile, a relaxed posture, and speak kindly.
The FAST DBT skill builds your confidence in communication
When you need to set a boundary with someone you’re dating, or for any tense conversation with a partner, the FAST DBT interpersonal skill can help you advocate for yourself while remaining respectful.
- Be fair to both yourself and your partner. Don’t ignore yourself and don’t disrespect your partner.
- Don’t apologize unnecessarily. Sometimes, an “I’m sorry” is appropriate, but for many emotionally sensitive young adults, over-apologizing can erode self-respect.
- Stick to your values. You know what is important to you; prioritize it.
- Be truthful. Don’t hide how you feel or what you need, and don’t exaggerate or accuse your partner of things in the heat of the moment.
The DEAR MAN DBT interpersonal skill can counteract dating anxiety for young adults
DEAR MAN gives you a structured way to approach conversations, either with someone new or with someone you know well, that helps you be taken seriously, get your point across, and engage in conflict in a way that doesn’t escalate the interaction into dysregulation.
- Describe your side of the situation, sticking to facts and not adding in assumptions.
- Express how you feel and what you’re thinking. Don’t assume the other person can read your mind.
- Assert yourself and state what you want, plainly and clearly.
- Reinforce your point by explaining how getting what you want will work out well for everyone involved.
- Mindfully engage with the conversation. Focus on your point, and if the conversation wanders away from your point, bring it back.
- Appear confident. Stand tall, maintain eye contact, speak clearly, don’t step back, slouch, or avoid looking at your partner.
- Negotiate. Listen to what the other person has to say and see if compromise is possible. What you want has value, but what they want is also valid and worth considering. Don’t abandon your needs, but focus on what will work for everyone.
Suffolk DBT can help young adults date with confidence
Dating as a young adult isn’t just good times and rewarding connections; knowing how to navigate rejection, self-doubt, shame, and communication breakdowns makes it easier to embrace the dating experience.
Suffolk DBT’s empathetic therapists can help you understand the reasons for and roots of any interpersonal or emotional dysregulation you’re experiencing. That self-understanding, coupled with individual therapy and group therapy support, where you can learn and practice DBT skills. These sessions, and real-life practice between sessions, can help you to improve your capacity for interpersonal effectiveness, mindfulness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance while dating and throughout your life.
If you’re ready to change how you respond to the ups and downs of dating and get started on building a life worth living, we invite you to connect with us today.