Has your teen ever had a moment where they were totally out of control, frantically crying, slamming doors, and screaming accusations? Or has your teen ever fallen completely silent, shutting you out to the point they seem incapable of even acknowledging you’re in the same room?
Whether your emotionally sensitive teen shuts down or melts down, emotional overload can hit so hard that it can lead to behaviors that are out of character, extreme, and highly disruptive. Adolescence is hard enough for teens (and their parents) to navigate, and when you add in meltdowns or shutdowns, it becomes even more challenging.
Teens need structured support in times of emotional overload, and dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) can help teens and parents alike to handle strong emotions without resorting to extreme behaviors.
Shutdowns vs. Meltdowns in teens: What’s the difference, and what are they communicating?
You and your teen have likely survived more than one bout of emotional overwhelm in their adolescence, and it’s possible neither of you fully understood what was going on. You’ve probably been left wondering what to do, and how to help, and may have found that your attempts to connect, correct, or soothe your teen have had no effect, or made things worse. You and your teen are probably both frustrated and upset, and you know you need parenting help.
The best starting point for supporting your emotionally sensitive teen is for both of you to learn what shutdowns and meltdowns are, and to try to understand why they happen.
Teen shutdowns vs. meltdowns: What does emotional overload teen behavior look like?
A teen in shutdown might:
- Talk less, or not at all
- Avoid eye contact, try to leave the room
- Only give one-word answers, or stay silent, in conversation
- Avoid friends and family
- Suddenly seem exhausted, irritable, or like their mind is somewhere else
- Seems distracted or confused
- Become clumsy, uncoordinated, or unable to move
- Be unable to express any feelings, even in distressing situations
- Self-harm
A teen experiencing a meltdown might:
- Scream or yell
- Slam doors, throw things, break things
- Lash out physically
- Cry uncontrollably
- Be unable to sit still or relax
- Have a panic attack or hyperventilate
- Self-harm or threaten their own life
- Make exaggerated, all-or-nothing statements, or use personal attacks and insults
Remember, it’s distress, not defiance
When your teen is shut down or stuck in a meltdown, it can seem like they’re acting out or trying to punish you. They might even become insulting or destructive, and it can seem like they’re intentionally causing problems. Parenting a teen going through regular meltdowns or shutdowns can feel impossible. It’s important to recognize that you aren’t doing a bad job, and also that your teen isn’t exhibiting these behaviors out of defiance.
Teens who are shut down or melting down are trying to cope with emotions that are too big for them to handle with the coping skills they currently have. The overwhelm drives them to either numb out or explode.
Teen shutdowns vs. meltdowns is an example of fight, flight, or freeze
When we are overwhelmed, our nervous system works to protect us. It activates the parts of your brain and body responsible for keeping you safe when there’s a perceived threat, causing a fight, flight, or freeze reaction. When your teen is in a meltdown, they’re experiencing a fight or flight reaction. When they shut down, it’s a form of freeze. Either way, their nervous system is so overwhelmed that they’re pushed into a reaction.
DBT puts you and your teen on the same team
DBT can help your teen notice what’s going on before they hit shutdown or meltdown, and can help them make it through the reaction with less distress, making the whole experience easier on both them and you.
As a parent, your job is to show your teen understanding and compassion, and your teen’s job is to take accountability for their emotional well-being and commit to learning healthier ways to cope, You and your teen are on the same team, and can work together to support your teen as they learn DBT skills that help them stop shutdowns or meltdowns before they start.
Meltdowns and shutdowns are perfect examples of a dialectical situation, where two opposite ideas are true at the same time. Your teen’s behaviors are disruptive and even harmful, but they are not deliberate attempts to harm. Your teen is trying to cope, and their efforts aren’t enough, but DBT can equip them with the skills they need to handle emotional overload.
DBT skills for teens can help your teen escape the emotional overload cycle
Mindfulness can help teens return to the present moment, even when overwhelmed
Emotional overload behaviors in teens pull them out of the present moment in an attempt to handle being totally overwhelmed. Mindfulness can help your teen stay present, anchoring them in the moment so emotions aren’t so overwhelming.
The How skill can help your teen find their mental and emotional footing in the moment, encouraging them to:
- One mindfully approach whatever they’re doing in the moment. By focusing all their attention on what they’re doing, even if it’s something simple and mundane like doing the dishes, their overwhelming emotions can’t command their full attention.
- Non-judgmentally observe their inner experience. Teens are often very self-conscious and may feel a lot of shame or judgment of themselves and others. If they can let go of that judgment and just observe their thoughts and feelings, they cut off emotional escalation and allow their thoughts and feelings to happen, then move on.
- Choose the most effective behaviors to move forward. If your teen is overwhelmed, screaming and throwing things won’t reduce their overwhelm. Taking a moment, taking care of themselves, and talking it out will. This level of self-awareness isn’t automatic for teens, so it may take time for them to learn, but it is a valuable skill to let go of needing to feel right and instead choose what will be most effective for them.
Emotional regulation helps teens understand their emotional overload behaviors
In DBT, emotional regulation starts with sensing and naming emotions. For teens who struggle with emotional overwhelm, slowing down and naming what they’re going through can help them, and you, understand what’s happening.
The STOP DBT skill is a great tool for a teen who is on the verge of a meltdown. It helps your teen notice what’s happening and gives your teen time to choose what they want to do next, instead of being pushed into a reaction.
For STOP, your teen can:
- Stop everything. Stop thinking, moving, talking, reacting. Literally freeze, mentally and physically, for just a moment.
- Take a step back. Your teen can do this literally, mentally, or both. By stepping back from the situation, your teen reduces their exposure to emotional triggers and gives themselves some breathing room in an emotional moment.
- Observe. What’s happening around your teen? What’s happening within your teen? Where do they feel their emotions, and what emotions do they think they’re feeling?
- Proceed mindfully. Once your teen has attuned to their emotions, they can make choices. What would help them, in this moment and in this situation, to reduce their overwhelm? What will make this moment better? What does your teen want to get out of this situation, and what behaviors will set them up for success in that?
Distress tolerance gives your teen alternatives to shutdowns or meltdowns
Strong emotions are rough on anyone, and it’s understandable that your teen is distressed when emotionally overloaded. DBT distress tolerance skills like Self-Soothe, TIPP, IMPROVE, or ACCEPTS give your teen constructive options to make a tough moment less difficult to handle. These skills also give your teen direction on what to do in the moment. Having that structure in a distressing moment can help your teen make choices that help them handle their emotions, instead of falling into a reaction that escalates their distress.
Suffolk DBT can help New York teens and their parents to manage emotional overwhelm
Teen shutdowns and meltdowns can both be expressions of emotional overload, but it can be hard to parent your teen through them. The expert therapists at Suffolk DBT know how to work with teens in a way that makes sense to them, offering relatable support that helps New York teens feel safe opening up and introspecting. They can introduce your teen to DBT skills like distress tolerance, mindfulness, and emotion regulation to help your teen name sensations, recognize cues, and reduce escalation at home.
As a parent, you’ll be part of the group therapy component of your teen’s therapy, so you’ll learn DBT skills alongside them. You and your teen can work as a team, creating a home environment where their emotional sensitivity is celebrated, and their shutdowns and meltdowns become easier to make it through, for everyone. To get started, contact us today.