Many parents start a Suffolk county school day by hearing their child say, “I don’t want to go to school today!” The child hides under the covers or slams the door to their room closed. Maybe they insist that they are too sick to go to school, or that they’re too scared to leave you.
Having a child who refuses to go to school is something almost every parent goes through at one point or another. Almost all parents have encountered these scenarios or something similar at least once. It’s relatively common for students at least once in their school career to refuse to leave in the morning.
But what happens if this becomes consistent? What if the tantrums get worse?
If this sounds familiar, there are things that you can to help your child if they refuse to go to school:
Try to Be Patient and Listen When Your Child Refuses to Go to School
First, even if you’re frustrated, you must listen to your child and take their concerns seriously. Give them the chance to explain themselves and why they are refusing to go to school. If they have physical symptoms, make sure to get them checked out by their physician to rule out physiological concerns.
Ask questions, but avoid leading them on. Don’t suggest reasons, just keep your questions more general and open-ended. You want to stay neutral and not feed into a narrative that they are creating for themselves,
Can You Read Between The Lines To Find Reasons For School Refusal?
Many children will not be 100% forthcoming with why they don’t want to go to school. However, there can be several legitimate reasons why they are acting this way. For example:
- Other children at school are bullying them
- One or more of their classes are challenging
- Your child feels socially isolated at school
- They find school overwhelming and anxiety-inducing.
However, children aren’t as able to communicate how they’re feeling; a child isn’t likely going to be able to say that they feel anxious. Instead, it will come out in other ways, including physical symptoms that make going to school feel threatening or too difficult.
That’s why it’s crucial to pay attention to what your child is saying and doing.
Make a Plan for returning to school
Once you understand why your child is refusing school, you can make a plan. Returning to school can be different for every family, often depending on how long your child has been away and how severe their symptoms are.
For instance, if one day they refuse to go to school, but the next they go, everything is most likely okay. Like we said before, most children refuse school at one time or another.
It’s when your child has been avoiding school for a long time is when things get tough. Avoidance makes school more difficult, escalating your child’s anxiety, so you’ll have to plan your child’s return to help them work through their anxiety.
Some thoughts to consider when making the plan include:
- How to help your child feel comfortable and safe going to school again
- Ways to positively motivate them to go (rewards and encouragement)
- Who can be a part of their support system (teachers, the school counselor, their therapist, even friends)
- Doing several “dry-runs” to prepare to return: going to the building after school hours to get used to the physical space again
- Attending a couple of classes to start then build up to a full schedule
Maintain Consistent Boundaries at Home
You must hold firm and consistent boundaries with your child when you are at home in New York. The expectation is that they go to school. You can be supportive and caring about their needs. However, ultimately they are still expected to go.
If they are still refusing, you can create structure at home to make it less desirable than attending school. For instance, cutting off the internet from their devices or shutting it down entirely, having a packed lunch and water at home as well, and no access to toys or playtime while they avoid school. Just as you are expected to work, they are expected to go to school, and if home is as appealing as school, with no access to toys, screens, or treats until the school day is over, school is an easier choice for your child.
Don’t Hesitate to Ask Suffolk DBT for Help For a Child Who Refuses to Go to School
Don’t Hesitate to Ask Suffolk DBT for Help For a Child Who Refuses to Go to SchoolLong-term school refusal is frustrating. You know that school is essential for your child to succeed. You have things that you need to accomplish, too whie your child is in school. But your child’s overwhelm at attending school can sometimes be more than you can manage.
In these cases, it’s vital that you have professional support from a therapist who understands children’s anxiety.
Your child’s therapist can provide feedback for your return-to-school plan. Also, a therapist can be a source of comfort and encouragement when dealing with frustration. Try the tips above. But if the problem continues, ask for help. The therapists at Suffolk DBT are here to help you.
Click here to learn more about DBT for children.
Suffolk DBT proudly provides quality dialectical behavior therapy, a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, at their offices in Manhattan and Long Island, New York and online. Their experienced therapists specialize in serving teens, children, adults, and college students struggling with depression, borderline personality disorder, eating disorders, and self-harm. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills and treatment can help you or your kids to manage emotions and work through life’s challenges. Suffolk DBT Manhattan and Long Island offer a free screening call so you can get started right away.
Frequently Asked Questions About School Refusal
DBT equips your child to face life’s challenges, including anxiety over going to school. It’s a skill-based therapy approach that is different from many other types of therapy or parenting approaches, and can be the key to helping your child develop the resilience they need to go back to school with confidence.
You and your child will work together to learn about using mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness to take on difficult emotions and difficult experiences. You’ll all work together, with your child’s therapist, to help your child learn how to face their fears and return to school.
If your child has attended therapy before and found it unhelpful, it can feel pointless to them to try again. We understand this, and want to do things differently. We welcome your child into therapy, and offer a warm, positive space to let them get to know us and how we work. We also know that DBT’s structure and setup means it works differently from a lot of other therapies, making it a good fit for many children who do not get enough out of other therapy models.
If therapy hasn’t worked before, fear not. We offer a different way, a way that can help.
DBT requires group sessions, either with parents for younger children, or with other families for teens. These group sessions are a key component of proper DBT, as they give your child or teen a sense of community and belonging in the DBT process. The support of the group is critical. Your teen in particular will see their peers dealing with the same struggles they’re working on. This ability to relate to kids their own age is invaluable, as they can feel supported and seen while processing emotions.