To someone healing from narcissistic abuse, it’s painfully clear that narcissism is more than just a person talking incessantly about themselves and seeking constant praise from others. Someone healing from narcissistic abuse has firsthand knowledge that narcissism entails intense self-centeredness and entitlement that comes at others’ expense. They’ve experienced a narcissist’s complete lack of empathy for others and the manipulation tactics and controlling behaviors they’ll resort to to feed their sense of entitlement and need for admiration and validation.
If this sounds familiar to you because you’re currently in this trauma and abuse or beginning your journey to healing from narcissistic trauma, know that help and support are available. Our team of licensed clinicians at Suffolk DBT in New York knows that the emotional and psychological scars that linger make overcoming narcissistic abuse and trauma bonds formed with narcissists an overwhelming journey—a journey no one has to endure alone.
We provide dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) which can be helpful whether you need to learn how to heal from a narcissistic mother, father, or guardian and the childhood trauma inflicted upon you in your youth, or you need to heal from a narcissistic relationship and trauma bond formed in adulthood with another family member, romantic partner, friend, or colleague. In therapy sessions with us, you’ll receive support and DBT skills and tools that help you heal, feel empowered, rebuild your sense of self, reclaim your life, and move forward.
Understanding What a Narcissist Is
You hear the word “narcissist” thrown around commonly when someone seems full of themselves or set on always having all the attention. But a narcissist is much more than that.
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a clinically diagnosed personality disorder characterized by an aggrandized sense of self-importance, arrogance, and a constant need to be admired, with little to no empathy or regard for others. However, some individuals may display narcissistic personality traits that collectively aren’t severe enough to meet the diagnostic criteria of NPD but still harm others’ mental, emotional, and physical well-being and daily functioning.
Who can be a narcissist and cause narcissistic abuse?
Narcissism and narcissistic abuse aren’t limited to just one type of person or relationship and can emerge in
- Relationships between parents, guardians, and children. What might a narcissistic parent, grandparent, or guardian look like? Someone who uses their authority to manipulate and control their child. This can lead to childhood trauma and deep emotional and psychological pain that can last into adulthood. The child may grow up never feeling good enough and constantly seeking approval. Support, care, and skills to effectively overcome such struggles with low self-esteem and learn how to heal from a narcissistic mother, father, or guardian and heal from narcissistic trauma inflicted on you in childhood and adolescence are available in DBT therapy at Suffolk DBT.
- Friendships. A narcissistic friend can be abusive by dominating the relationship, making everything about their wants and needs while neglecting or undermining the other person’s feelings. They might engage in manipulation tactics like guilt-tripping or gaslighting to maintain control and keep friends in submissive roles.
- Professional relationships and the workplace. A narcissistic colleague or boss may inflict narcissistic abuse on others through their position of power. Narcissistic abuse in the workplace can look and feel like belittling, intimidating, or exploiting others. When you need to heal from a narcissistic relationship that impairs your professional and personal well-being, distress tolerance and interpersonal effectiveness skills learned in DBT sessions can help you overcome the feelings of stress, anxiousness, and being undervalued you experienced in a toxic environment created by a narcissist at work.
- Romantic relationships between partners and spouses. The cycle of narcissistic abuse often starts with love bombing—overwhelming the partner with attention and affection. Later on, however, the narcissistic partner begins devaluing and manipulating their lover or spouse, keeping them emotionally dependent and off-balance. In DBT sessions, our compassionate team of experts offers support and care and equips you with emotional regulation skills that can empower you to heal from a narcissistic relationship effectively.
The Change from Charm to Control: How Narcissistic Relationships Turn Abusive
Healing from narcissistic abuse can be challenging because of the complex, insidious nature of the abuse amid the intense trauma bonding experienced in this type of relationship.
Trauma bonding occurs when someone forms a deep yet unhealthy emotional connection or attachment to someone who causes them emotional or physical harm. It’s a process that occurs in phases during which the abuser gains the other person’s trust. With the other person becoming increasingly dependent on them, the abuser develops control over them.
Not every individual who experiences abuse develops a trauma bond, however, some people may be more prone to doing so than others.
What is trauma bonding with a narcissist?
The links between narcissistic abuse and trauma bonds are the narcissist’s grandiose sense of self-importance, their lack of empathy, and their need to manipulate and exploit others to fulfill their personal needs and desires. Because of this, the trauma bonds narcissists form with others occur in a cycle or loop that alternates between extreme affection complete with love bombing to gaslighting and abuse.
In cases of childhood trauma and abuse, the cycle of narcissistic control and manipulation at the hands of a narcissistic parent or trusted adult can entail
- Love bombing by telling the child things like, “You’re special” and showering them with gifts. Then, dictating the child’s activities, friends, and career choices
- Ignoring the child’s aspirations and preferences while manipulating them into pursuing interests that mirror the parent’s by saying things like, “You’ll make me proud if you______”
- Only rewarding the child when they complete certain tasks or fulfill the parent’s needs and aspirations while labeling them as “ungrateful” and ignoring them when they don’t live according to the parent’s wishes
Narcissistic abuse and trauma bonds in romantic relationships
Likewise, in romantic relationships, narcissistic abuse and trauma bonding follow the same pattern:
- The love-bombing and trauma-bonding narcissist begins by lavishing excessive attention, affection, flattery, and gifts early on in the relationship, creating a strong dependence and emotional bond
- The narcissist constantly calls and texts their partner, making the partner feel like they must choose between staying connected to the narcissist over exercising their own autonomy—ultimately restricting their privacy and freedom and trapping them in the relationship
- Despite trying to stay in constant contact with their lover, a narcissist will resort to guilt-tripping them by accusing them of not spending enough time together or not being affectionate enough
- Then, the narcissistic partner may begin isolating their partner from their loved ones, usually in subtle ways like picking out negative qualities in friends and family that make their partner not want to see these individuals
- From there, the narcissist starts pointing out negative qualities in their partner, too, criticizing, shaming, and demeaning them, and then resorting to gaslighting—manipulating their partner by denying their feelings, lying, and twisting the truth to create confusion and doubt and maintain control
- Ultimately, the abuser may control their partner by threatening abandonment, saying things like, “I don’t think we’ll be able to stay together if you choose____over me,” and by ignoring them and withdrawing from them when they say or do something that displeases the narcissist
Healing From Narcissistic Abuse with DBT
Narcissistic abuse and trauma bonds formed between children and authority figures and between romantic partners result in confusion for the person being abused. They may confuse feelings of fear with affection and excitement, causing them to choose to stay with the narcissist and defend and condone their behaviors even though they’re afraid of them.
As a result, those who need to heal from a narcissistic relationship often develop harmful coping strategies like self-blame, avoidance, or even substance abuse. In DBT, however, clients learn healthier ways to cope with and regulate emotions and manage distress.
DBT consists of four key components:
- Mindfulness. When a narcissistic relationship ends, you may find yourself replaying the past and judging yourself for being taken in by a narcissist. Your mind doesn’t have to stay stuck in the relationship and you don’t have to blame yourself for the narcissistic abuse you suffered. Mindfulness skills taught in DBT help survivors who need healing from narcissistic abuse learn how to observe and accept the present moment and the thoughts and feelings they experience without judgment.
- Emotional regulation. Narcissistic abuse and trauma bonds with a narcissist can make you feel many things at once, even contradictory emotions. DBT emotional regulation skills can help you better understand, label, and control your emotions.
- Distress tolerance. Distress and pain are parts of life that cannot be avoided entirely. Experiencing childhood trauma or trauma in adulthood inflicted upon you by a trauma-bonding narcissist and having to learn how to heal from a narcissistic mother or father or heal from a narcissistic relationship with a lover, friend, or colleague can be some of the most distressing situations you endure. Distress tolerance skills help you better accept and tolerate distress and pain.
- Interpersonal effectiveness. In DBT sessions, you’ll learn interpersonal effectiveness skills that will empower you to assert yourself and set boundaries as necessary in ways that are respectful of yourself and others. These skills will help you say no when you need to, ask for what you want, and effectively handle interpersonal conflicts that arise. These skills allow you to develop and maintain the self-respect and autonomy you deserve in your relationships.
Healing From a Narcissistic Relationship on Long Island
Each survivor healing from narcissistic abuse has a unique journey. Our trauma-informed therapists at Suffolk DBT are committed to providing a personalized approach that fits and benefits your individual needs and goals. For a non-judgmental space where you can understand what trauma bonding with a narcissist is and learn how to heal from and overcome narcissistic abuse and trauma bonds, contact us today so we can explore and discuss the best choices for you. Together, you and the right trauma-informed therapist can work together in a safe space where you can rebuild and nurture your self-respect and self-esteem and take back healthy control of your life.
