It happens all of a sudden. Your teen is no longer talking to their friends. They’re trying to get out of going to school, they want to quit their extracurriculars, and they don’t want to talk about it. They don’t seem like they’re sick, and they’re still engaging with the family, but something is clearly wrong.
Peer conflict feels high-stakes for teens
Chances are, your teen has become involved in some sort of conflict with their peers, and their attempts to cope lead them to self-isolate. As teens grow, their self-consciousness grows too, and they are often dealing with strong, difficult-to-understand emotions. They rely on their peers more than their parents to understand themselves, making conflict feel especially difficult in adolescence.
The disagreements teens face are more complex than they’ve experienced before, and they’re trying to juggle social pressures with their increasing understanding of their own values. When it comes to peer conflict, teens want to preserve friendships, they want to save face, they may want to avoid tension or find conflict emotionally overwhelming, they may want to fit in, they may feel like they have to defend themselves, they may want revenge, they may feel ashamed of their reactions, and they may feel like rebelling, sometimes all at once.
Self-isolation is a form of avoidance for teens
Avoidance is a common anxiety symptom for adults and teens alike. Stressful social situations, like peer conflict, can lead to intense anxiety. For a teen who doesn’t know how to cope with these complex interactions and the complex emotions they bring up, avoidance can feel like the safest option.
Staying away from people, places, and experiences that bring up anxiety can feel much safer in the short term, but unfortunately, avoidance reinforces itself. The more your teen avoids their peers after conflict, the more they’ll struggle with anxiety around re-engaging, and anxiety during future peer conflict can become even harder to cope with.
Knowing how to navigate peer conflict is a crucial teen life skill
Teens with strong social circles tend to have an easier time navigating difficult life experiences, and teens who relate well to their peers do better in school. They are generally happier and healthier, making it crucial for your teen to overcome their avoidance and learn how to cope with peer conflict. Teens learn a lot from their peers on how to build and maintain social connections, providing them with life skills that will carry them into adulthood.
DBT connects your teen with their peers both in therapy and between sessions
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) helps teens cope with peer conflict without self-isolating by focusing on emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness. DBT helps teens develop the skills they need to cope with the emotional experience of peer conflict. It can help them interact with their peers, even when they disagree, with more effectiveness and less isolation.
Because DBT includes a group therapy component, teens can practice their new skills with peers right away. Being able to safely simulate conflict and see how it feels to choose something other than isolation can be empowering to your teen, helping them participate more fully in their relationships between therapy sessions.
DBT skills for self-isolation in teens
When your teen is self-isolating, DBT can help them cope with peer conflict without resorting to avoidance. Below are a few of the many DBT skills available to teens that can help them engage with their peers, even when they’d rather avoid them.
Opposite Action can help a teen re-engage with their peers
Opposite Action is a DBT emotional regulation skill that is simple to understand, but takes practice to use. When your teen is feeling the urge to avoid their peers and self-isolate to reduce their anxiety, they can use Opposite Action to push them to do the exact opposite.
If they want to stay in their room, they can go out for a walk in the neighborhood. If they don’t want to go to school and want to avoid their peers when they get there, they can try the opposite, and say hi to people as they walk through the halls.
The goal here isn’t to avoid anxiety; the goal is to choose the action that will help your teen re-engage with their peers instead of letting anxiety dictate what they do.
DEAR MAN can empower a teen to navigate conflict without avoidance
When your teen is left confused or feeling defeated after a conflict, or ashamed of how they reacted during the conflict, DEAR MAN can give them a structured approach to disagreements that helps them maintain respect for themselves and their peer, stay strong in their boundaries, and to have effective, productive disagreements instead of emotionally overwhelming fights.
Even if your teen wants to avoid an interaction after going through peer conflict, DEAR MAN can help them cope by giving them a structure to lean on so they don’t fall back on avoidance. DEAR MAN encourages your teen to:
- Describe the facts of the situation to their peer (sticking only to the facts, not leaning on assumptions)
- Express how they feel about the situation (“I was really hurt by…”, “Our last conversation didn’t feel right..” etc)
- Assert themselves, recognizing that their point of view is valid and worth hearing.
- Reinforce the positives of things going your teen’s way.
- Be Mindful of the overall goal in the conversation, sticking to a calm approach, and repeating their goal even if their peer tries to change the subject or escalate the conflict.
- Appear confident. Have your teen try to maintain eye contact and take a confident, easy posture. Have them use a confident, clear voice and avoid over-apologizing.
- Encourage your teen to negotiate when it’s reasonable. Have them consider whether a compromise that still supports their goal is possible.
Cope Ahead can help a teen feel confident about future conflict
Self-isolation can make future conflict feel deeply threatening for teens, but the DBT Cope Ahead skill can help your teen envision successful interactions, boosting their confidence and empowering them to return to their social life with less anxiety.
Cope Ahead steps guide your teen to:
- Visualize a future conflict. Consider the thoughts and feelings that might come up for them, and actions they can take before, during, and after the conflict.
- Have your teen choose ways to cope (like Opposite Action or DEAR MAN) that will serve them well in the interaction, helping them feel more successful and confident even during disagreements.
- Have your teen imagine themselves using these coping skills, envisioning their success in navigating the conflict successfully, even if the worst-case scenario happens.
- Have your teen unwind and relax after this, to help their mind and body calm down after what can be a stressful exercise.
DBT can help Suffolk County teens cope with peer conflict without self-isolating
Your teen needs to interact with their peers, and in order to feel secure doing that, they need to know how to deal with disagreements. Teens will never agree with everyone they come across, and learning at a younger age how to both set reasonable boundaries and maintain social connections during and after conflict is important.
DBT therapy for teens at Suffolk DBT connects your teen with empathetic therapists to support them as they learn crucial life skills that will help them face avoidance and anxiety head-on. They’ll be able to practice their DBT skills with their peers in therapy and in their everyday life, secure in the knowledge that their therapists, their peers, and their parents are all ready to support them as they learn to navigate peer conflict. If your teen is ready to get started on building a life worth living, connect with us today for a free 15-minute consultation!