Are you sick of people pleasing in your life?
People pleasing is an attempt to feel safe in an interpersonal relationship, and is often the result of overwhelming fear of abandonment, failure, and an unstable sense of self. People pleasers tend to ignore their own needs and wants, erase their personality, and fail to set boundaries. Instead, they invest all their time and energy into being and doing everything they think someone else wants.
Mental health conditions like depression, anxiety disorders, obsessive compulsive disorder, and especially borderline personality disorder (BPD) commonly have people pleasing as a symptom.
People pleasing leads to resentment and emotional exhaustion
Unfortunately, this over-giving and erasure of yourself tends to reduce the quality of a relationship instead of increasing it. Your needs go unmet, you over-give and exhaust yourself, you fail to set boundaries, and you carry more than your share of the emotional burden in the relationship. You often end up resentful when your efforts aren’t always rewarded with the safety you crave.
As a people pleaser, you’re also trying to control every aspect of a relationship. This isn’t possible (we only ever have control over our own behavior), nor is it something you should strive for. It means you show up inauthentically in your interpersonal relationships, which leads to relationships that are unsatisfying and unhealthy. People pleasing can end healthy relationships due to resentment and dissatisfaction on both sides, and it can keep you stuck in unhealthy relationships. It doesn’t show respect to others, and it doesn’t lead to self-respect either.
Boundaries are a crucial BPD coping skill
What’s the solution to people pleasing as a symptom of BPD?
Set Boundaries.
Boundaries are basic standards that are requirements for you if you’re going to invest your time and energy into an interpersonal relationship. Boundaries align with your values and needs, and are a way to ensure you maintain your self-respect while you interact with others.
Examples of needs, and the boundaries that can meet them:
- I need to feel like my time is respected, and I can’t be friends with someone who is always late.
- I need time each day away from work, so I am only willing to work during standard work hours, and I will not check my email at home.
- I need to feel emotionally safe in a relationship, so I can’t stay married to someone who yells at me.
- My mornings set the tone for my day, so I need some quiet time to myself.
DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills can help you set boundaries
Setting a boundary is easier with the DEAR MAN DBT skill
- Self-understanding is crucial to figuring out what boundaries to set. Think about your values and needs. Consider what you want out of life, and how you’d like your work, family, friend, and partner relationships to work. Where is your people pleasing interfering with you showing up authentically in a relationship? That’s a great place to set a boundary.
- Decide what boundaries you want to set, and consider what you’ll do if your boundary isn’t met. Figure out if it’s a hard or soft boundary; soft boundaries are more flexible, and can sometimes be overstepped without it bothering you too much (e.g. on-call shifts for medical doctors meaning phone calls outside of work hours). Hard boundaries are absolute necessities, and you’ll enforce them every time.
- State your boundary clearly, calmly, and simply. If you want to explain how the boundary will meet a need, keep the explanation short and to the point. Explain what you will do if the boundary is violated (e.g., I will not be answering work calls outside of work hours).
If you’re struggling to state your boundary, the DEAR MAN skill can help you stick to the facts, stand up for yourself, and state your boundary clearly.
- Describe the situation, and the boundary you’ll be setting. (I am not taking work calls after work hours)
- Express your needs and feelings, and how the boundary will meet them. (I need a better work-life balance, and keeping work calls to work hours will help me do that)
- Assert yourself
- Reinforce your point and the consequences (If I receive calls about work after work hours, I will not answer them.)
- Remain mindful of your goal and don’t get distracted by arguments or conversation (This conversation is only about how I will be handling after-work calls)
- Appear confident. Stand tall, make eye contact, speak calmly and clearly.
- Negotiate if appropriate (If you want to adjust my work hours to cover an additional hour in the evening, and I can come into work an hour later, that would work for me).
You Set a Boundary: Now What?
Enforcing boundaries means you are responsible for making changes
One common mistake when people set boundaries is assuming that when people overstep those boundaries, it’s the other person’s job to then change what they’re doing.
Enforcing a boundary requires you to take action. For soft boundaries, you may choose to wait and see or to take action. For firm boundaries, you may only need to restate the boundary (and how you’ll enforce it) to ensure you were clear, but it may also mean you need to make changes so your boundary will be respected.
Opposite Action Helps People Pleasers Stick to Their Boundaries
The Opposite Action DBT skill can help you enforce a boundary; when faced with a boundary violation, you may want to sweep things under the rug, revert to people pleasing, or pretend nothing happened. When you feel an urge to go back to people pleasing, do the opposite.
Call attention to the boundary volation, change the nature of the relationship (quit a job, go no-contact, break up with a partner, distance yourself from a friend, spend less energy and time on the other person) or take action to ensure your boundary is respected (turn off your email alerts or work phone outside of work hours, stop attending family events, stop offering to do extra things).
Boundaries Are Not Punishments
With BPD, emotional overwhelm and lashing out are common symptoms, and when your boundaries are not respected, it can feel emotionally difficult. It’s crucial you enforce your boundaries calmly, without yelling, shaming, or name-calling, to show respect to others (even if they haven’t respected you), and so you can continue to respect yourself. The goal isn’t revenge or punishment; the goal is effectively getting your needs met.
The FAST DBT skill preserves your sel-respect when setting boundaries
When enforcing a boundary, consider the FAST DBT interpersonal effectiveness skill. FAST shows you how being fair, not over-apologizing, sticking to your values, and staying truthful can help you maintain your self-respect, and respect others, even in emotionally charged situations.
How would you use FAST when enforcing a boundary? State that because your boundary wasn’t respected, you can no longer continue in the same way. Don’t make value judgments about the other person or accuse them of things; simply state the facts of the matter.
If the other person tries to argue, shame you, or try to manipulate you into giving in, simply restate your boundary and the change you’re choosing. You are worth respecting, and if they can’t respect your boundary, you will at least make sure you continue to respect your own needs and values.
DBT helps people with borderline personality disorder Set Boundaries to better enjoy their interpersonal relationships
BPD symptoms can make it harder to enjoy your interpersonal relationships, especially if you tend toward people pleasing. The emotional overwhelm, unstable sense of self, and fear of abandonment that come with BPD aren’t something you have to try to handle on your own. Empathetic and expert therapists like those at Suffolk DBT can help you set boundaries and practice enforcing them in both individual therapy and group therapy.
Alongside interpersonal effectiveness, a comprehensive DBT program like those offered at our Long Island-based offices serving Suffolk and Nassau County can help people with BPD to use mindfulness, emotional regulation, and distress tolerance to assert themselves, build a stable sense of self, and better cope with symptoms when they interfere with living the life you want.
If you’re ready to leave people pleasing behind you for good, connect with us at Suffolk DBT. Our expert therapists are here to help you leave people pleasing from BPD behind, empowering you to assert yourself as you set and enforce boundaries.