As a parent, after your teen attempts suicide, you’re likely feeling a whirlwind of emotions. You’re relieved they’re still here with you. You’re terrified about what might happen next. You’re ready to swoop in and pay the utmost attention to your teen, you might worry you’re part of why this happened, and you’re probably a whole blend of angry, sad, frightened, and more.
In short, you’re emotionally overwhelmed, and you may feel at a loss as to what to do to cope. This kind of life experience can be hard to navigate alone, and while your teen has you, their friends, their doctors, their therapist, and more, you need support too.
DBT can help the whole family after a teen suicide attempt
Your teen will be the main focus of your effort after their suicide attempt. You’ll connect them with doctors and therapists who can help them physically and mentally, potentially using dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), which is particularly helpful for teens and adults with suicidal thoughts and behaviors. You’ll support them at home and may even incorporate support at school.
But you’ll also need support, and DBT can help with far more than just suicidal thoughts and behaviors. DBT can also provide you with skills and structure that can help you cope and support your teen after a suicide attempt.
For parents coping with a teen suicide attempt, DBT can give you structure when things feel out of control
New routines and new safety rules are easier to communicate with DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills
You will have to communicate to your teen some new routines and new safety rules for your home after their suicide attempt. This can be hard to do when you’re both feeling emotionally raw. As the adult, your emotional regulation provides your teen with a safe, calm presence during difficult conversations, helping them accept the changes that you’ll put in place to prioritize their safety.
The DEAR MAN DBT skill can help you talk to your teen in a way that keeps you both on track, and keeps your emotions, or your teen’s emotions, from driving the conversation off track. When you’re talking to your teen about rules and routines to keep them safe:
- Describe the changes to your teen and provide your reasons.
- Express how you feel and what you’re thinking, e.g., “Your safety is our priority right now.”
- Assert yourself. Don’t back off to try to keep your teen calm, but don’t try to force them to agree with you either.
- Reinforce the positives of your teen accepting and enacting the changes. Explain what will happen if everyone goes along with the plan, and what could happen if you don’t. Don’t embellish, stick to facts.
- Be mindful of your overall goal in the conversation (to let your teen know what will happen, and to stay calm). Repeat your point over and over if your teen tries to argue or change the subject. Keep your responses on track, and don’t let your teen derail the conversation.
- Appear confident and calm. Get rid of distractions, face your teen with a strong posture, take a confident tone, and don’t over-apologize, even if your teen is unhappy.
- Negotiate. If your teen makes some reasonable points, consider them. If there are safe compromises, incorporate them into your changes.
DBT emotional regulation skills help you care for yourself while caring for your teen
When your teen attempts suicide, you may feel compelled to pour all of your energy and care into them, to the neglect of your own needs and health. The fear of losing your teen can overwhelm you, making it hard to prioritize your own physical and mental well-being.
DBT can help you care for yourself after a suicide attempt in your family, especially with the emotional regulation skill of ABC PLEASE. The recommendations of ABC PLEASE help reduce your vulnerability to negative emotions, making it easier for you to manage the difficult conversations and fears that come up after a teen suicide attempt.
- Accumulate positive emotions
- Build mastery in things you enjoy
- Cope ahead for stressful situations
- Treat any illness promptly and take medications as prescribed
- Balanced, nutritious, satisfying eating
- Avoid mood-altering substances like alcohol or drugs
- Maintain good sleep habits
- Get exercise; this can be a great way to bond with your teen!
Mindfulness DBT skills can help you let go of the urge to overcontrol your teen
After a suicide attempt, you may feel the need to be around your teen all the time, to control everything they do, and even to try to control how they feel and think. This is all from a parental urge to make sure they’re safe, but this level of overcontrol doesn’t offer safety and can stress you and your teen out. It also stunts them, keeping them from trying and succeeding at coping with hard things.
You need to balance sensible engagement with your teen with rebuilding your ability to trust your teen, especially as they work through their own DBT program. They are growing and learning, and are not the same person who attempted suicide, but for you, it can often feel like that terrifying moment all over again.
Mindfulness helps parents cope with teen suicide attempts by helping you when memories, feelings, and fear push you to attempt to control your teen. Focusing on right now, how you feel, what’s around you, what you’re thinking from moment to moment, without trying to control or qualify anything going on within or around you, reduces the influence fear can have on you.
Letting thoughts and feelings pass you by helps you understand yourself, helps you recognize the changes your teen is making, and helps you resist trying to control your teen.
Moments of panic are more manageable with distress tolerance DBT skills
You’ll probably have moments of panic as you and your teen find a new normal. Small moments that are totally normal can feel like warning signs, and your ability to withstand the emotional distress you’re dealing with can help not just you, but also your teen.
When you’re panicking, turning to distress tolerance skills to get through the distressing moment gives you something to focus on other than your panic, like:
- ACCEPTS (activities, contributions, comparisons, emotions, pushing away, thoughts, sensations).
- TIPP to use your body chemistry to quickly reduce your distress and make it easier to tolerate (temperature, intense exercise, paced breathing, progressive muscle relaxation).
- Self-Soothe has you engage your senses in a pleasant way (sight, smell, touch, taste, sound) to reduce your stress.
With the 6 levels of validation, DBT makes it easier to listen to your teen, even about tough topics
Your teen is going to need space to talk about very difficult thoughts, experiences, and emotions, and they’ll need you to be able to hear them out. This can be hard as a parent, but focusing your efforts by using some (or all) of the 6 levels of validation can help you support your teen without becoming totally overwhelmed. DBT validation can help you hear your teen out without becoming overwhelmed with fear for their safety, and can help them feel heard and seen.
The six levels of validation include:
- Being present (put down the distractions and focus)
- Accurately reflect back what you hear (try not to add your feelings in)
- Articulate the unverbalized emotions your teen might be feeling
- Acknowledge that your teen’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors have some logic (based on past experiences or biology)
- Validate in terms of the current context (it’s understandable they’re upset, for example)
- Radical genuineness; relate to your teen with respect, as their own person.
Suffolk DBT is here to support you and your teen through the aftermath of a suicide attempt
DBT skills support communication, validation, and safety without overcontrol or panic. When parents are trying to cope with a teen’s suicide attempt, they need expert therapists who don’t stoke their fears but instead provide practical strategies for moving forward, as a family.
Suffolk DBT can help families with teen and adult DBT therapy programs that offer non-judgmental, caring help. You’ll learn functional skills to cope with emotional overwhelm in ways that not only help your teen but help you too. To get started in Suffolk County, NYC, or online throughout New York state, connect with us today.