The holidays can be a nightmare for people struggling with social anxiety. That’s because the best thing about the holidays, bringing people together to celebrate, is the worst for those with social anxiety issues. It’s the exact opposite of what they want to do!
Does this sound like you? If so, there are practical solutions for dealing with social anxiety during the holidays. These DBT principles for social anxiety and dealing with relationships will help you feel more in control and less overwhelmed. That way, you can meet the holidays on your terms.
Consider these four practical steps.
1. Start with Your Self-Talk
Before that holiday gathering, start first with examining your self-talk. When you get anxious during a party, frustrated over a relative’s behavior, or upset over difficult memories during the holiday season, what do you say to yourself?
Do you have more of the “This is ridiculous,” or, “I don’t want to be here,” type of mentality? If so, then those thoughts only get your anxiety going and keep it close to you. They prime you for feeling more stressed when you get to the event.
Instead, take a different approach and begin with self-talk that is supportive and positive. For example:
- Everything is going to be okay.
- These are my friends and they accept me.
- I’ve been to dinner with my family before and I survived.
- I am a capable adult, I don’t have to worry about what these people think.
- I get to choose what I do, and my choices are good ones.
To help you internalize these positive thoughts, consider combining positive self-talk with a breathing exercise. Sit comfortably and practice breathing in and out slowly while focusing on an affirming phrase. If you find yourself struggling during the event, go back to your breathing and positive self-talk to stay centered.
2. Focus on Individual Conversations
When at the event, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by the number of people at the gathering. Even if you know everybody there (friends, family, coworkers) it is still a lot to take in. So what’s the solution? Focus on individual conversations with people versus the group. Find someone you know and say hello. Focus on what the other people say to you, stay in the moment, and listen thoughtfully.
You can begin with some easy conversation starters. For example:
- How are things going?
- Do you have plans for the holidays?
- What have you been up to lately?
Make sure you have answers to these questions for yourself. This way, you feel more prepared to enter a discussion with someone rather than being caught off guard.
3. Give Yourself Something to Do
These events might feel, well, boring. Even for those who don’t suffer from anxiety, there’s only so much to talk about, especially when your feelings are, let’s say, complicated about the people at the event. So why not give yourself a task?
For instance, you could organize everyone’s coats so they don’t get lost. Or you brought a dish that needs to be heated up before serving. You can put yourself on wrapping paper duty if there’s a gift exchange, do the dishes after a meal, or help set the table.
Assigning yourself a task will help to redirect your attention and energy so that you feel less anxious. Plus, you feel like you are actually contributing to something instead of just passively standing in the corner.
4. Know When to Leave
As with any gathering, it’s useful to know when to make your exit. Sometimes, anxiety can make you feel like you have to stay for hours, or leave after a few minutes. Instead of letting anxiety decide for you, you can decide.
Let’s say that you have been invited over to a dinner party, which begins at 7 PM. Budget about two hours for the dinner and socializing before and afterward. That allows you to leave around 9ish without feeling obligated to stay longer.
If you want to, stay flexible and stay a little longer (especially if you are feeling less anxious!). However, it’s a good idea to give yourself a firm time to leave. In this example, perhaps that means no earlier than 9, and no later than 9:45 PM.
This way, you have made the time to meet everyone and have dinner, and you are sticking to your plan, so you know you can trust yourself when you commit to something.
How Should You Handle Holiday Social Anxiety and Remote Gatherings?
Celebrating the holidays is changing. Now, many people are using online video conferencing for group gatherings. This can work both ways for those with social anxiety. On the plus side, you get to stay in the comfort of your home. However, it can still be overwhelming seeing so many faces on the screen.
Handling remote gatherings is similar to handling in-person ones: limit the number of people you can see at one time on screen to make it less distressing. You can still have some go-to conversation starters and give yourself a time that’s appropriate to leave.
Suffolk DBT can help you handle holiday anxiety
Suffolk DBT can help you handle holiday anxietyThe holidays in New York don’t have to be a nightmare, even if you have social anxiety. With some planning and structure, you can feel more in control of your anxiety and the social situation. Also, consider talking to a therapist during this time who specializes in anxiety counseling. Offering online or in-person therapy in Long Island and NYC, the social anxiety therapists at Suffolk DBT are here to support you.
Click here for more information on Anxiety Treatment.
Suffolk DBT proudly provides quality dialectical behavior therapy, a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, at their offices in Manhattan and Long Island, New York and online. Their experienced therapists specialize in serving teens, children, adults, and college students struggling with depression, borderline personality disorder, eating disorders, and self-harm. Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills and treatment can help you or your kids to manage emotions and work through life’s challenges. Suffolk DBT Manhattan and Long Island offer a free screening call so you can get started right away.
Frequently Asked Questions About Anxiety During The Holidays
Family estrangement can be especially hard during the holidays.
Aside from seeking the support of a therapist, you can make your own traditions to make holidays special without triggering hard memories.
Instead of typical holiday traditions, try something fun with friends. Go bowling, or to a movie together. Eat celebratory meals with food that isn’t traditional, or explore other holiday traditions than your own.
You can still celebrate, and even though there’s grief in losing traditions because of hard memories, you can make your own, and give yourself a meaningful holiday anyway.
It’s hard to break old habits like being dragged into holiday arguments. If you want to change how you relate to your relatives, try DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills like GIVE, FAST, and DEAR MAN to structure your approach to conversations so you won’t end up trapped in emotionally overwhelming arguments this holiday season.