As parents, we often read articles about improving communication between you and your teen. There’s a reason these articles ring true; we need skilled communication to succeed in any relationship.
However, if you dig a little deeper, something more nuanced needs our attention: validation. While many of these articles cover some of the same core concepts as the skill of validation in DBT, it’s crucial to learn more, so you can fully integrate validation into your communication with your teen.
If you have a sullen, argumentative, or dismissive teenager, you know how hard it can feel to communicate with them. You try to guide them, you ask questions, you do your best, but it’s still so difficult sometimes!
But what if what they needed most was validation?
Validation creates understanding, which opens the door for meaningful communication. Here are three ways validation helps to improve your relationship with your teen:
1. Acknowledge What They Feel
One of the basic, universal things about being a teen is the belief that nobody understands you. As we get older we gain perspective, realizing that adults often understand why their teen acts the way they do, mostly because we’ve all been there ourselves.
However, do you ever talk to your teen about their feelings? It might surprise them to hear that you do “get” them. Be careful not to assume their emotions; validation in DBT shows that it’s better to ask if you’re understanding them right, rather than insist they feel a certain way.
For example, “It seems like you might be anxious right now about the exam tomorrow. Is that right?” In two sentences, you have validated their emotions. This approach can soften their stance and allow both of you to talk about what’s going on.
2. Give Your Full Attention
Another way you can validate your teen is by being fully present with them. Validation in DBT encourages you to embrace mindful communication, where you are wholly present in the moment, with all your attention on the conversation at hand. That means if you get an incoming text or call, you ignore it. Better yet, either mute your phone or turn off your device altogether to eliminate the distraction.
Sit next to your teen and open your ears and your heart. When you hear their struggles, try to imagine yourself being in a similar situation. How would you feel?
Most likely, you would feel the same way as your teen does now. This approach work requires that you give your full attention to your teen. Otherwise, your response will come off as insincere. That is a guaranteed way not to improve communication.
3. Validation in DBT Helps You Authenticate Your Teen’s Emotions
It might surprise teenagers to hear their parents say “It makes sense you feel that way. I think most people would in this situation.” Yet, this is such a powerful way of validating your child.
Teens experience all kinds of emotions and all at once, too. This bombardment often leaves them feeling confused and distressed. Life is bringing them more situations than ever in which they get upset or feel sad and discouraged.
When you validate their feelings, you remove the barriers that teens put up to protect themselves and their emotions. Validating your child’s feelings will allow you the opening to begin a more in-depth dialogue together.
Practice and Refine Validation in DBT with a Supportive Suffolk DBT Therapist
Believe it or not, practicing validation in DBT with your teen takes more skill than you realize. Your might fumble in your first attempts as you try to find the words you want to convey, needing practice to find the right conversational style that suits you and your teen.
Talk to a DBT therapist, like those at Suffolk DBT, to improve your technique. DBT therapy is an excellent opportunity to practice validation and develop specific communication skills that utilize validation, both in individual sessions and in DBT skills group therapy. Your therapist and fellow skills group members can provide feedback and support as you discuss situations where you practiced validation with your teen. This dialogue will help you to improve your communication with your teen, and with time, it will improve your relationship with them, too.
Talking to teens can often seem like a challenge, but validation is one of many useful DBT tools you can use to bridge the gap. Talk to a therapist about how to best use validation in your conversations with your teen. Please reach out to our office today to learn more about how we can help.
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Frequently Asked Questions About Validation and DBT For Parents and Teens
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) focuses on teaching practical, real-world skills that help individuals manage emotions, tolerate distress, and respond more effectively to challenges in daily life.
Rather than focusing only on insight, DBT emphasizes skill development and practice. Clients learn how to apply these skills in real situations, especially during moments when emotions feel most intense.
DBT is not just about talking through problems. It provides structure, guidance, and support so you can build new patterns and respond differently over time.
A core principle of DBT is that people are doing the best they can and can learn to do better with the right tools, structure, and support.
Our comprehensive DBT program includes individual therapy, skills training, and between-session coaching, providing the structure and support needed to apply these skills in everyday life.
Validation involves listening, acknowledging, and accepting the teenager’s feelings and experiences, recognizing their perspective and offering them genuine support in the moment.
1. Being Present
2. Accurate Reflection
3. Articulating Unverbalized Emotions
4. Validating in Terms of Past History or Biology
5. Normalizing or Validating in Terms of Present Context
6. Radical Genuineness
Each level of validation is a tool that New York parents can use to communicate understanding and acceptance to their teens. By validating their feelings and experiences, parents can help their teens feel supported and valued.
Parents don’t have to progress through each level in order; rather, they can use whichever level seems most appropriate for the situation at hand. Practicing validation in ways that make the most sense for you and your teen can strengthen the parent-teen relationship and promote healthy communication.